Different Is Good

“You aren’t going to change him,” Dorothy said with an I-know-you-wish-you-could tone in her voice. My then future mother-in-law and I were standing in the doorway of my fiance’s bedroom and were amazed–and a little scared–by what we saw. There were clothes all over the bed and floor, piles of books and papers everywhere, bags that appeared to have regurgitated their contents, guitar strings and sheet music strewn about, and a comforter nailed to a wall (I mean, how else are you supposed to cover an open doorway to separate two guys’ rooms?!). 

Kevin was living with four other college students in this house that was literally condemned not long after they moved out, and none of these guys would be classified as neat freaks. But I wasn’t worried about those other four guys; I was only thinking about the one with whom I was about to commit to sharing a room for the rest of my life. For a moment I switched from being nervous about sharing my bed with this man to being nervous about just finding the bed after we were married!

Not fully convinced that I wouldn’t be able to change him, I managed to answer Dorothy with an “I know” and a half-smile, and then we laughed a bit about her son’s messiness. Kevin blamed it on never being at home long enough to clean it up, since he spent all his free time with me. While that may have been true, it still got me to thinking about our differences. Though not necessarily a clean freak, I did have an appreciation for neatness and organization. One of my roommates used to say that my bed was made before my feet hit the floor in the morning! 

But that was then.

This is now.

Eleven years and three babies into our marriage, Kevin and I have left our bed unmade and the rooms untidy much more often than I care to admit. I can greatly identify with an episode of the ’90s sitcom “Mad About You.” As Paul and Jamie frantically try to clean up their apartment before the arrival of their parents, Paul wonders aloud why they’re so messy, to which Jamie retorts, “No, you’re messy!  I got tired!!”

In all fairness, though, I have to say that Kevin and I have met somewhere in the middle on the messiness issue. I have now gotten a good bit messier…and the mess now actually bothers Kevin sometimes. Oh, the irony! I just knew, though, that if I tried to keep everything looking picture-perfect all the time, I would drive myself and everyone else crazy. And that’s not what I wanted. I chose instead to try to focus on what was more important, which was spending time with my husband and children, leaving the cleaning to certain designated times. In turn, Kevin has actually become much better than I am at getting the kids to pick up after themselves. I think we’re both pretty happy with the compromise.

Although the disorderliness factor seemed like our most obvious difference in the early days of our marriage, it didn’t take long to discover that we contrasted in other ways, too. My obsession with time and schedule was routinely frustrated by his refusal to wear a watch. I wanted to dress up sometimes (not all the time), while he was content to wear jeans and a plain white t-shirt every day. I enjoyed spending time together alone at home, while he loved being with groups of people. We even had different arguing styles; he liked to talk it out right then and there, while I needed some time by myself to think things through…and then he’d probably get an email from me, since I’m much more comfortable with my ability to communicate through the written word as opposed to the spoken word. And while rules and regulations made me very comfortable, they made my husband cringe.

Did these differences cause problems for us? Sometimes. Did we have to compromise? Oh, yes. But did we learn and grow through it? Absolutely!

It’s true that opposites attract, and there is good reason for it in our marriage. If it weren’t for Kevin’s love of people, I would probably live like a hermit and would miss out on so many wonderful friendships with which we are blessed. And I certainly wouldn’t have hosted a church small group in our home as we have for the last seven years. But through these gatherings in our home, I have learned and grown so much in my relationship with Christ and with other people.

On the other hand, if it weren’t for my task-orientedness, we might never get anything accomplished! While I sometimes chastise myself for being seemingly “less Christ-like” in my natural draw to tasks rather than to people, I have to remind myself that there is also a lot of value in being the one to plan and prepare meals for the small group, in letting people know when and where and how an event is going to take place, and even in just keeping the family calendar in order. 

I believe that many married couples find themselves in similar circumstances. As time goes on, they may discover that their differences are becoming greater rather than less and that those quirks they once thought were cute are now just annoying. It definitely happens! The honeymoon wears off, the rose-colored glasses get sat on and break, the picture-perfect image begins to get distorted…It’s just life. It’s reality. It’s because we’re human.

So we are faced with a choice. We can either dwell on the complications of our contrasting characteristics, or we can appreciate them as tools that God can use to teach us some valuable lessons about ourselves. Those that choose the former strategy are more likely to have a marriage that is unfulfilled or even ends; those that choose the latter strategy have the opportunity to become better and stronger both as individuals and as a couple.

Complement or conflict? Personally, I’d like to complement. 

Even though I don’t always understand the differences between Kevin and me, I am (mostly) thankful for them. We challenge one another’s thinking, and we lovingly push each other a little further than we are comfortable with going. As described in Proverbs 27:17, as iron sharpens iron, so we sharpen one another. 

I know it’s become a cheesy line from a movie–but we really do complete each other, which is really God’s design for marriage. We were created to be different, so we should spend less time being annoyed by our dissimilarities and more time celebrating the ways in which we complement one another. For example, instead of my feeling jealous that Kevin is more laid back and more fun than I am, I simply let him know that it is officially his job to help me lighten up and laugh! This is a very important job, I tell him, because the more we laugh together, the closer I feel to him.

I have no doubt that Kevin and I were meant for each other, even on days when I am feeling frustrated by his paper piles and he’s annoyed by my persistence (a term I prefer over his and my father’s name for it–stubbornness). We committed ourselves to each other before God, our family, and our friends and vowed to love each other, no matter what came our way. As any married couple will tell you, marriage takes work. And a great marriage takes a lot of work! We must daily choose to love and forgive, to extend grace rather than harbor resentment, to renounce pride and embrace humility. Yes, it is a choice. And, yes, it must occur daily, if not more often.

A book that I really love (and should read more often) is Stormie Omartian’s book The Power of a Praying Wife. This confession from her always strikes and convicts me: “It took a number of years for me to realize my husband was never going to conform to my image. It took a few years beyond that to understand I couldn’t make him change in any way. In fact, it wasn’t until I started going to God with what bothered me that I began to see any difference at all. And then it didn’t happen the way I thought it would. I was the one God worked on first. I was the one who began to change… I had to learn to see things according to the way God saw them–not how I thought they should be.” 

Stormie encourages us wives to change our favorite three-word prayer, “Change him, Lord,” to the more appropriate “Change me, Lord.” It’s a much harder prayer to pray, but it is much more productive. It is not our job to try to change our husbands, nor is it their job to try to change us. True change must include God; He is the One who knows both whom and how to change. He knows exactly what we as husbands and wives can learn from each other through our differences and how those contrasts can actually bring about completion–something beautiful and whole and glorifying to Him.  

So you’re right, Dorothy. I can’t change Kevin. 

Then again, I wouldn’t want to.