Brothers and Sisters, Apples and Oranges: Handling Society’s Comparisons of Your Children

“I always hated being compared to my brother, because I could not perform like he did in school.”

“I was constantly compared to my sister. I was the pretty one until she came along. Now I struggle believing that I’m beautiful, because in the back of my mind, sometimes I still compare myself with her.”

“My coaches were obviously disappointed that I wasn’t as athletic as my brother.”

“I’ve been the pretty one, but not the smart or responsible one, and it’s equally terrible not being those.”

Can you relate to any of these statements? Did people compare you to your siblings when you were growing up (or even now)? I’m sure you still remember how it felt. As the second of five children, I know I do!

Now consider how it feels to your children when people compare them to one another. I’m afraid it’s inevitable, and we won’t be able to completely shield our children from it. So the key is going to be in how we, as the parents, handle these situations and how we teach our children to handle them as well.

“I don’t think that labeling in itself is a bad thing,” says Ariel Anderton, MA, LPC. “We need to hear ‘who we are’ from others for our developmental growth spiritually, emotionally, relationally, and in our abilities.” In other words, not all labels and comparisons are bad or are made with ill intentions. In a way, society “needs” labels as a way of recognizing differences in people. And it is simply a fact of life that some people are smarter, funnier, more attractive, more athletic, more musically inclined, or more…something…than their brothers and sisters are. The problem arises when our children get caught up in the comparisons and can’t seem to escape them.

Anderton explains, “What is dangerous or harmful is when those labels are the sum of who we are in our own eyes and the eyes of others. Labels should be like snake skin that we can slough off and replace as we grow. When the label becomes rigid and we don’t let people morph and grow out of those labels, it stunts [them] and distorts who [they] really are.”

So how do we teach our children to “slough off” all those comparisons and labels? How do we help them know how to respond, both internally and externally? Laurie Craft, MA, LMHCA, says there are some specific responses parents can give to help diffuse the damage that society can cause when comparing siblings to one another:

• Remember that the culturally “praised” child and the “ignored” child carry different but equal burdens. Both are being defined by what they can and cannot do, not by who they are.
• Remember that the attitude and beliefs of parents carry much more weight than the attitude and beliefs of other people. This can feel like a lot of pressure for parents, but it’s also a gift, because it gives parents more control over how they want to raise their children.
• Listen to how your child feels when society responds in particular ways to him. Discuss the situation, and allow him to have his feelings about it. It’s not about making your child’s problems go away. It’s about helping him express his feelings and remember who he really is – regardless of how other people define him.
• Be honest with yourselves, as parents, about your different and often imbalanced feelings toward your children. (Sometimes we blame society for things that we’re unintentionally perpetuating). It’s perfectly normal to connect more easily with one child and be more frustrated with another. Children are aware of this, whether we admit it or not! Parents need friends with whom they can talk about and work through those feelings so that they can find greater balance in their relationships with each of their children.

Instilling in each of our children a sense of security, confidence, and love will help equip them to maneuver through this life (which is full of comparisons, with or without siblings) with both grace and assurance. When they are on the “upper end” of a comparison, we need to teach them to be appreciative yet humble. When they are on the “lower end” of a comparison, we need to teach them to be respectful and sincere, yet honest and forthright.

Unfortunately, some of society’s comparisons will be made about attributes that cannot be changed. If a trait or skill is alterable and attainable for your child, then it might be wise to encourage that child to put forth the effort to make a change. Obviously, this is something that requires great wisdom and discretion on the part of the parent, because you certainly wouldn’t want to set your child up for failure. But as the parent, you know your child and his/her capabilities and level of determination. This is not to say that you would encourage any of your children to pursue “being better than” a brother or sister; it simply means that you should encourage every one of your children to meet his/her full potential in every area. Pit them against themselves, not one another.

As for society…we won’t be able to stop their remarks and comparisons. But we can be ready for them. Some of the parents I interviewed for this article are well acquainted with giving answers in these situations. Many of them begin by simply making a statement of praise that includes all of their children, not just the one who was the target of the comparison. Another parent said that her husband had to help her see that she was actually giving too much explanation when other people made remarks about her daughter’s size (which is affected by a genetic disorder). He encouraged her, instead, to simply answer their questions confidently and without concern for what they might think. One of my favorite responses is from a preacher who says, “God only uses a mold once!” – meaning He never creates any two people the same.

Having a thick skin when it comes to dealing with comparisons can be really difficult. And teaching our children to do the same can be even more difficult! But it is a life skill that is highly important. Certainly, if the comparisons and remarks come from friends and family members–and especially if they are made repeatedly–it is our responsibility to defend our children by asking these people to be more aware of how hurtful their comments can be. But generally, our children will need to learn how to handle these situations.

It is not only our responsibility, but it is also our privilege, to cultivate within our children the strength, assurance, depth, values, and life skills that they need to live their lives in a world that isn’t fair. A world that makes uneven comparisons. A world that, truthfully, likes labels. A world in which there will always be someone smarter, funnier, more attractive, more athletic, more musically inclined, or more…something…than each of us is.

“We can’t change other people or their reactions to us – much less their reactions to our kids,” remarks Laurie Craft. “Acceptance of that as parents can actually have a huge impact on children. The message is, ‘We can’t control the people around us, but we can control ourselves and our response to other people.’”

That’s an incredibly important message for all of us to hear.