Making Marriage a Priority When You Have School-Aged Children

Remember when you were newlyweds and just couldn’t get enough of each other? Spending time together was never a question; the question was more What else would we do BESIDES spend time together?! But as so many of us have discovered, the more years and babies you add to the mix, the more intentional (and creative) man and wife must be to ensure they live happily ever after.

Between getting the kids up and ready for school, transporting them to and from that school, helping them with their homework, carting them to and from (and cheering them on during) their after-school activities, making dinner, packing lunches, doing laundry, etc., etc., it can be difficult for Mom and Dad to find time alone together. However, in the midst of all the hecticness that is family life, it is essential to the health of the family for the husband and wife to cultivate their relationship. Otherwise, when the nest is empty (which happens sooner than you can imagine), so will their relationship be.

My husband and I have been in the midst of this phase for a while now. We’re still–and always will be–learning about making our marriage a priority, but here are some suggestions we have:

• Keep each other first. Don’t let the kids demand and receive your attention over each other. Make sure they know that they come second. This might sound like it would hurt their feelings, but they’ll actually be thankful for it. It is a great source of comfort, security, and confidence for children to know how important their parents are to each other.
• Be affectionate with each other. And yes, let the kids see you being affectionate (you know, within reason). They may “Eww” and “Gross” and cover their eyes, but again, they actually are really thankful for it. And it’s a great example to set for them and their future marriages. Plus, it’s a great way for you and your spouse to connect throughout the day. Don’t be stingy with your hugs and kisses and love pats! 
• Flirt with each other. Never underestimate the power of flirting. After all, it worked while you were dating, didn’t it? This isn’t a juvenile activity; it’s a great way to keep things fresh and interesting. So relocate your inner flirtatious self. Even a wink and a smile from across the room can do wonders for your relationship, especially during dinnertime or homework time or any other busy time with the kids. Enjoy catching each other off-guard with a knowing look or a sweet nothing whispered in the ear.
• Date each other. Have regularly-scheduled (emphasis on regularly… and scheduled) date nights. If you can afford a babysitter or are fortunate enough to have free sitters, take advantage of the opportunity to get out of the house and do something fun together. Going out with other couples is lots of fun (No kids allowed.), but be sure to have plenty of just-the-two-of-you dates as well. And if going out is not an option, there are plenty of ways to date each other at home after the kids are in bed. (Tip: Give your kids an early bedtime and stick to it.) Get creative and take turns planning these at-home dates!
• Get away! If it is at all possible, at least once a year, the two of you should get away together. Pick a place that you both enjoy and take a few days to reconnect and be refreshed in your love for each other. Leave all work-related items and other distractions (including the kids) at home. Spend time together planning your getaway and talk about how excited you are about it!
• Find common interests. Whether it’s music, sports, theater, books, playing games, cooking, gardening, or whatever–find something you both enjoy and make these interests a priority for you as a couple. If common ground is somewhat hard for you and your spouse to find, then try taking an interest in something your honey loves, even if you just don’t “get it.” You never know–it might be something you enjoy after all. 
• Communicate, communicate, communicate. I firmly believe that behind every great marriage is great communication. So find the way(s) that you and your spouse best communicate. And for the ways that aren’t particularly your best, vow to work to improve these. Above all, talk to each other. About everything. If you must err, err on the side of overcommunication (if there is such a thing). Let your children see you communicate with each other. During the work day, send texts or chats or emails to each other, just to check in or say “I love you.” Not a day should go by in your marriage that you haven’t effectively communicated with each other.

Just because a lot of time, energy, and attention are required of you by your children during these years doesn’t mean you can set your marriage on the backburner and expect it to simmer and just sort-of care for itself. You must work at it! Keep it stirred and sizzling, not simmering! The entire family will be all the better for it.