Dear Parents of Children with Special Needs…
So often you are having to put your own needs aside so that you can meet the needs of your children. Many times there is not even a choice; you have to do whatever it takes to care for your children, and there is no option for doing something for yourself or even taking a short break. But when stress and weariness are overwhelming, you won’t be able to care for your children well. We want to remind you, first of all, that you are not alone in this parenting journey. We also want to remind you that there are both big and small ways to care for yourselves.
Pick a few priorities for your home environment.
Stacy Huff, a mother to multiple children with special needs, says, “We tend to think of self-care as big things or special treats, but what I have learned in my special needs parenting journey is that self-care means making my world function in such a way that everyone, including me, can thrive. That can mean different things to different people, but you have to figure out what’s important to you. For me, I am most able to help everyone function better when I have a non-cluttered house. It may not be sparkling clean, but it is uncluttered and picked up. I have a laundry plan that I stick to so I’m not overwhelmed by laundry. And I make the beds each day.”
Whether it’s cleanliness, tidiness, all the beds made, no dishes in the sink, good lighting, calming colors, peaceful music playing, or having just one room in order, decide what is the most helpful to your spirit and mindset and work to make these things happen as often as possible. Do be realistic, though, and have grace for yourself and others if these priorities cannot be achieved every day.
Ask for help when you need it.
Friends and family members want to be helpful, but they don’t always know how to be helpful. When they ask, don’t be timid about giving them specific answers! If it’s possible, ask them to babysit for a few hours or take your children on outings, so that you can have a break. Ask them to help your children with schoolwork, help you with housework or yardwork, or help with a run to the grocery store. Ask them to provide an occasional meal for your family. Ask them to attend a class or support group with you. Ask them to include your family on a fun outing or a night out. Ask them if they can just listen to you vent for a little while–with no judgment or attempts to “fix” anything. Whatever is the most helpful to you, be ready to give it in response when people ask, “Is there anything I can do to help?” Most of the time, people are genuinely glad to be given some direction. And no one knows better what your family needs than you.
“What has worked for us,” says Vicki Slay, mom to a young adult with special needs, “is having close family look after him. [My husband’s] parents in the early years had him and [my daughter] overnight many times so we could go to football games or just have a night away…Sometimes we just do something on our own for an hour. [My husband] might meet up with friends for a drink, I may go for a pedicure–just something even for a short time helps out.”
Breaks of any length can be so helpful! Parents, don’t be shy about asking for this.
Don’t underestimate small moments for self-care.
Melissa Corkum, co-founder of The Adoption Connection, says, “We talk a lot to parents about caring for their nervous system well. Parents’ nervous systems need signs or cues that they’re safe from inside themselves, their environment, and their relationships. Inner cues come from taking good care of their body and minds. Just like kids need proper nutrition, hydration, and sleep, so do parents. There are lots of small changes parents can make to their environment to signal joy and safety – diffuse an essential oil, play uplifting music, or spend time in nature.” Corkum also encourages parents to “stay connected to safe people. This can feel like a big ask, but there are lots of ways to stay connected even when parenting kids with lots of needs.”
If the possibility of an entire day – or even an entire hour – alone is not realistic at this point, there still might be some small ways that you can care for yourself. Refreshment and renewal can come through taking a few moments to enjoy a cup of tea while gazing out the window, taking a bubble bath while listening to calming music, painting your nails or giving yourself a facial, watching or reading something that makes you laugh, working in your garden, or doing something creative or artistic. If you are able to leave the house for a little while, go for a walk or ride a bike; browse your favorite store; get your favorite coffee or treat and find a scenic spot to enjoy it; or go to lunch with a friend who makes you laugh. And always remember to make your marriage a priority. Find ways to have weekly or monthly date nights; have intentional in-house dates when your children are sleeping or watching a movie; and regularly check in with each other to see how you can help support one another. Some churches and other local organizations offer free events for children with special needs, so that the parents can have a night out; take advantage of this! Oh, and don’t neglect spending time talking about things outside of parenting, too.
Parents, we are rooting for you in this parenting journey. We might not be able to fully understand what it is like to parent your children everyday, but we want to support you however we can. And if you aren’t sure how to ask for help, just share this article – and especially the sidebar – with your friends.
GENTLE REMINDERS FROM PARENTS:
“For us, it’s much like any parents. Make sure to get a sitter or take advantage of ‘parents night out’ functions at local churches. Most of these allow typical siblings to come also. Go on date nights with your spouse. Others can offer to help with childcare or help with homework. Helping with homework can be huge! That can be a frustrating thing, depending on the child, and a little break from it sometimes is so nice. Others can offer to help with childcare for siblings when there are doctor appointments or therapy.” – Sarah Carlisle, mom of child with special needs.
“Be their friend! Ask if they’d like to discuss their situation or would they like to do something that takes their mind off the situation. They need the support of friends like we all do… Being the parent of a child with special needs can sometimes feel isolating.” – Eryn Lynn Fisher, mom of teenager with special needs.
“Just don’t forget about me. Invite me – I probably can’t go, but the invitation is so nice. And please don’t tell me how great I am for simply taking care of my kids but acknowledging that some days are hard. And being my friend is huge.” – Stacy Huff, mom of children with special needs.
“The biggest way friends and family can care for parents of children with special needs is to be teachable and empathetic. Additionally, validating a parent’s experience also goes a long way to helping parents feel seen and cared for. Tangible needs that the community can meet are providing meals, doing yard work, or driving kids to extracurricular activities.” – Melissa Corkum, co-founder of The Adoption Connection, adoptee, and adoptive mom
Dear Friends of Parents of Children with Special Needs:
It’s always better to ask these moms and dads–not assume–what they need, but they are often tired, overwhelmed, or just aren’t sure how to let us know how we can be of help to them. But several of these parents have helped us compile this list of ideas to help us know some general places to start. Be proactive in supporting these families by picking a few!
• Offer to babysit.
• Take them a meal.
• Give them a gift card to a restaurant.
• Stock their freezer with ready-made meals.
• Help them with housework.
• Help them with yardwork.
• Ask what you can pick up for them at the grocery store.
• Offer to go to a class or support group with them.
• Invite them over to your house.
• Surprise them by delivering their favorite snack or drink to them.
• Help their children with homework or projects.
• Invite an individual, couple, or entire family to go do something with you and your family.
• Encourage them.
• Ask them how they are and then listen. Just listen.
RESOURCES FOR MISSISSIPPI PARENTS OF CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS:
The Adoption Connection: Uses faith, neuroscience, and lived experience to bring you practical resources and hope for your family. – Free Resources – Books – Podcast – Facebook Community – Group Programs – Private Coaching – In Reclaim Compassion, the newest book co-authored by Lisa Qualls and Melissa Corkum, Part 3 is dedicated to giving parents plenty of practical examples of ways they can cue safety to their nervous system from the inside, outside, and within safe relationships. www.theadoptionconnection.com
Central Mississippi Down Syndrome Society: Parent-driven non-profit organization that provides support services for parents of children with Down syndrome and promotes awareness, acceptance, and inclusion of individuals with Down syndrome – Resources – Special Events. www.cmdss.org
Grace Ministry, Broadmoor Baptist Church, Madison, MS: Extending God’s Love to Those With Special Needs – Kids’ Groups – Special Events. www.broadmoor.org/grace-ministry
Joni and Friends Mississippi: Promotes education, events, and outreach to individuals and families affected by disability in our community – Wheels for the World – Family Retreats – Marriage Getaways – Podcast – Radio Program – Blog – Videos – Newsletters. www.joniandfriends.org/mississippi
Sonbeams, Pear Orchard Presbyterian Church, Ridgeland, MS: Committed not just to serving these individuals, but in equipping them to become vital members of the body of Christ. – Special Events – Respite Care (Five nights during the school year, open to any caregivers of individuals of all ages with special needs. They also provide care for any siblings of those with special needs on these nights. Register at sonbeams@ccs.ms.) – Buddy System for Sunday School Classes (On Sunday mornings, for special needs individuals K-12th, they provide a buddy during Sunday School or worship service, if needed, so the parents can attend Sunday school and worship as well.) www.pearorchard.org/sonbeams
Special Ministries, First Baptist Church, Jackson, MS: Ensures that people with special needs have a safe place to learn about Jesus Christ – Classes – Special Events. www.firstbaptistjackson.org/special-ministries
Special Friends Ministry, First Presbyterian Church, Jackson, MS: Sunday Bible school class and brotherly fellowship for individuals with special needs – Classes – Special Events. www.fpcjackson.org
