We Asked, They Told: What Parents of Children with Special Needs Want Us to Know

Many of us do not have regular interactions with children with special needs, which means we might not know how to relate to them when we first meet them. We might shy away from trying to get to know them. We might even guide our own children not to try to talk to them, because we are afraid they might insult or embarrass the children with special needs…or embarrass us. But the parents of these children want us to know that it’s actually much more hurtful for us to completely avoid interacting with their kids. Instead, these parents ask that we and our children treat them with the same kindness, respect, and “normalcy” that we would children who do not have special needs. And they offer us some valuable guidance in how to do this.

Curiosity: It’s okay to ask questions.

“Don’t shush your curious kiddo and be embarrassed when they ask why [my son] doesn’t talk like we do,” says Mandy Humphries, mother of a 13-year-old boy who has autism spectrum disorder, has mild cerebral palsy, and is nonverbal. “I promise it’s okay, and it typically opens a door for getting to know him. If you have questions, just ask; no topic is off limits. All kids with special needs are different, and you won’t offend me.”

Stacy Huff, mother of children who have both cognitive and physical disabilities, comments, “My children are not scary. They may react differently or make different sounds, but they aren’t scary. Running away from them is hurtful. It is okay for your kids to ask questions. Answering them honestly, or asking me, is perfectly okay. Shushing [your kids] only contributes to [my kids] being ‘scary.’” 

Leslie Nelson, whose son has autism spectrum disorder and is now a young adult, notes, “It would have been so helpful for other children to know that there were some behaviors [my son] didn’t choose and he couldn’t control, like *stimming and flapping his hands.” 

Each of the parents interviewed on this topic had the same response: They want adults and children alike to ask questions about their children with special needs, because it leads to connection and understanding. And even if we aren’t sure that their child can hear, understand, or speak to us, these parents encourage us to first try speaking directly to their child, rather than  to them about their child. “Don’t speak about them when they are standing right there,” instructs Karen Draeger, who is a mother of a teenager with special needs and who also teaches students with special needs. “Ask questions. If they are hard to understand, their parent will help. Many teenagers with special needs understand a lot and can think on a higher level than most people assume. So talk to them like adults, not little kids.” 

Consideration: Assume ability, not disability.

When it comes to what these children with special needs can or cannot do, their parents recommend that we assume the children are able, rather than not able, to do things. “I want other parents to know that my child still has capabilities,” says Leslie Nelson. “[He] might not be like their neurotypical kids, but [he’s] not completely helpless. I found well-meaning adults often babied or talked down to my son, when that’s not what he needed.” 

Kacy Parks, who teaches Life Skills, a self-contained special education class, at Clinton Junior High School, emphasizes the importance of assuming ability: “Allow them to do the things they are able to do–even if it’s hard. Independence is so important…even in the small things.” 

Mandy Humphries encourages other children to search for what they have in common with these children with special needs, so that they might foster a relationship. She says, “The best advice I know to give is that every child with special needs is different, not less. Get creative; find out what each child is interested in. And, as in any situation, a smile goes a long way.”

Kindness: It matters.

Above all, these parents ask that their children always be treated with kindness and respect. “They are people too. They notice when they are treated differently,” remarks Amy Dearman, mother of a teenage boy who has autism spectrum disorder. “They want someone to text them, listen to them, ask them questions about their day. Truly listen to them. Ask questions about what they are saying. Give them time to respond. Try to understand how they see things.” 

“Instead of telling children not to stare,” says Kacy Parks, “encourage them to speak, smile, or wave at the special needs person. Let them ask questions.” 

Several parents also addressed the fact that many “normal” kids are given special recognition or even rewards just for being nice to a child with special needs. And these parents agree that this is hurtful. “Your child shouldn’t get special rewards for basic human kindness,” Stacy Huff states. “Giving awards for being kind to a child with special needs is degrading.” 

So much more can be written on this topic, but these few important reminders will hopefully be of help to each of us. Thank you, parents of children with special needs, for continuing to educate and instruct us in our relationships with your children. 

*Stimming refers to self-stimulating behaviors, such as repetitive or unusual movements or noises, which can help some children with autism manage emotions and cope with overwhelming situations.