Fighting Fairly with Your Spouse

“Fight.” 

“Disagree.”

“Discuss.”

Call it whatever you want, but if you’re married, it happens. And that’s okay! I’m not saying we should unleash our anger and let careless words fly whenever we feel like it. We can, in fact, still be respectful to each other even when we are arguing. So to help us fight fairly, here are some ideas to consider. 

Look at Yourself First

It’s usually easier (and much more tempting) to point fingers and shift blame away from ourselves, but first taking the time to examine our own hearts and motivations is an important practice. Instead of launching into defensive mode, we can take a minute to determine where we are in the wrong and let that be our starting point. Oh, it’s tough! But it goes such a long way in softening hearts and opening the lines of communication. 

Apologize

When we’ve been hurtful to our spouses through words or actions, we need to own up to it–not  let it slide or hope that it’s just forgotten. We need to make it a practice to say we’re sorry, to be specific in what we are apologizing for, and to ask for forgiveness. Humility and confession are good for both the soul and the relationship! And when we apologize, it makes it easier for our spouses to apologize, too.

Know Your Fighting Styles

It took my husband and me a while to figure this one out, but I’m so glad we did. We discovered that when we are in the midst of an argument, I need some time to myself to pray and think about what’s going on in my own heart and mind. My husband prefers staying in close proximity and keeping the conversation going, but he’s learned that the outcome is more productive if he lets me have some time to myself before coming back to the conversation at hand. Do you know your fighting style? Pay attention to yourself and to your spouse and determine what each of you needs in order to set yourselves up for a successful resolution.

Leave the Past in the Past

If an issue from the past has already been dealt with, we need to leave it there. It is neither fair nor productive to bring it up again.

Determine if Change Is Possible

We all have some things we have the power to change, but we also have some things that we have no control over. When we argue about those things that can’t be controlled or changed, we are cultivating a breeding ground for discouragement, resentment, and shame. Let’s make sure our disagreements focus on what can actually be helped or changed.

Stay Up and Fight…Unless You Need the Sleep

Sometimes my husband and I have worked toward “not letting the sun go down on our anger,” but at times the result has been that we are exhausted and getting nowhere fast. I personally think it can be better to get some sleep and see what new perspectives come with a new day. Rest and time can bring natural healing. But you must both commit to returning to the conversation; don’t let it get swept under the proverbial rug.

Reaffirm Your Love and Commitment

This should probably take place at the beginning, middle, and end of every fight. When we are in the midst of disagreement, we can easily forget that we are for each other and for our marriage. Reminding ourselves and each other of this can help us with our perspectives and remind us of our ultimate goals of unity and strength in our relationships. No matter how big or small the disagreement is, let’s take the time to reaffirm our love and commitment to one another. Never let it be a question.

It would be fabulous if we never had disagreements with our spouses, but since we do, I hope that these tips will be helpful for you.