Confession
A few nights ago, I hit a very low point in my parenting. I was exhausted, worn down, and battle-weary. My buttons had all been pushed, and my triggers had all been triggered. I was tired of hearing lies, tired of witnessing defiance, tired of dealing with my son’s uncooperative spirit.
I should’ve made both of us take a time out to calm ourselves, but I didn’t. Instead I pressed and pressed for truth and obedience, which didn’t come. We both bristled and dug in our heels. Our anger turned into rage.
It was so wrong.
My son ended up running out the front door and down the street into the night. My husband and I stood in the driveway, waiting for him to come back and not uttering a word to each other, because neither of us knew what to say. After several minutes, my husband went back inside the house, while I waited another 45 minutes outside in the rain, waiting for my son to come home. What I didn’t know was that he had sneaked back into the house, which is why my husband had gone back inside. (He thought I had seen our son sneak in but figured I needed some time alone, which is why he didn’t say anything to me.)
The time outside in the dark and the rain was good for me, though. I’m not sure if I’ve ever before felt so much shame and regret over my actions. Here I was adding more trauma to an already traumatized adopted child! And here’s some irony for you– This happened on our “Family Day,” the day we celebrate bringing our boys home from Colombia, and I was wearing our adoption shirt, which says, “You Are Loved. You Are Chosen. Welcome Home.” I could just hear Satan cackling at the sight of me wearing this sentimental shirt while fighting with my son.
I could also hear Satan hissing to me: “Who are you to be writing about marriage and family and adoption?! Look at what you’ve done! No one will listen to you. You have no place to be doing this.” And I wanted to take down this website immediately and stop writing altogether.
But the longer I stood there in the dark and the rain, the more I could hear God’s voice gently saying to me: “My grace and my love are enough for you, too, Carrie. These are the things I died for.” I tried to soak it up, tried to accept it. It was hard.
When I went in the house, my son was sitting on the couch. I knelt down in front of him and told him that I had been very angry but that I did not handle my anger correctly. I told him how sorry I was and asked if he would forgive me.
I went to bed early that night. The next morning as I was driving my son to school, I confessed to him that I was having a hard time feeling okay because of everything that had happened. I told him again how sorry I was about how I handled my anger. I told him that Satan had gotten a victory that night, and that felt really bad. But I told him that God kept telling me that His grace was enough for me and that I was forgiven. My son fell asleep for the last several minutes of the ride to school, as he usually does. When he woke up, he reached out his hand to hold mine and told me that he was sorry. I told him I was, too.
He and I have had plenty of rough times together over these past three years, but this one felt the roughest to me. I am still somewhat reeling from it. I have been doing lots of talking and listening to God, trying to slow myself down. I decided not to take down my website or stop writing, and I’ll tell you why. I think that everyone struggles with how hard parenting is, whether your children are adopted or biological. We have all reacted and behaved in ways that we are not proud of. We have all said and done things we shouldn’t have said and done. And most of us probably feel like we are alone in these behaviors, so we hide it, not talking about it.
I decided not to hide this. Instead, I want to learn from it and be honest about it with you, in hopes that somehow you will feel encouraged and supported in your daily walk through parenthood, knowing that you are not alone!
I have been encouraged by a video of Dr. Karyn Purvis, in which she helps us remember that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. There will be times of rupture in the relationship between parent and child–sometimes because of the child’s misbehavior…and sometimes because of the parent’s misbehavior. Sometimes both. When we mess up, parents, it is vital that we own our mistakes–confess our sin–to our children. We must demonstrate humility in apologizing to our children and asking their forgiveness. This is one of our most difficult yet strongest teaching tools. The good news is that if we work through it with our children, there is a great possibility that our relationship will be strengthened because of it.
Parents, God’s grace is enough for us! And His mercies are new every. single. morning. Praise God for His love, His patience, and His gentleness with us! May we experience these gifts from Him in very real ways.
